So I'll finish up my last night's post now :) I was tired last night. I'm tired now. Treatment was Monday. It knocked me for a loop. And the whole week has been kind of a hard one. The baby goats died in the cold Thursday and that was very sad. I hate it when I do something stupid, like think that somehow, someway Sadie should've kept them warm. Occasionally it happens, most of the time it doesn't. I should've taken them away from her and fed them on the bottle, should've, could've, would've... those things happen. I've kicked myself black and blue. Blech.
Then Saturday morning we found out that Barb's husband passed away. Another strange thing. I wouldn't know Barb if I passed by her on the street. But online, I know her. She's a member of the hscl group. I don't hear from her much, but I pray for her often. Her kids, her job, her mom, her life. I *know* her. And her beloved passed away, suddenly. Without too much notice. That scared me. That something like that could happen, out of the blue. Mercy. Mercy. And what a helpless feeling it is. I'm stuck out here, feeling like I need to *do* something, but there's nothing to do, expect pray.. and that's putting the saying to the test that prayer is the key. It feels insignificant in many ways though. I want to *do* Make a loaf of bread, take a casserole, give a hug, open a door.. do something, anything. To help. But just to pray.. that seems so little. But when I started to pray I felt it. I felt HIM, I felt the Lord taking my prayers and wrapping it around this woman and her kids that I wouldn't know from Adam if I crossed by them at Wal-Mart. I felt HIM. And in HIM there is everything. He's so much more. I pray that Barb can feel HIM right now, I pray that during these dark, lonely days that I have no inkling about, but can only glimpse through covered eyes (because I dare not even glance that hard at my own mortality or my husband's mortality).. I pray that Barb and her kids can feel HIM right now and feel His comforting touch the way I felt my prayers leave me the other day.
Then, Matt, my 5th kid, Erich's best friend.. the other half of dumb and dumber. Is being sent to a hot spot in Afghanistan. That weighs heavily on my heart, so so heavily on my heart. This kid is such a special kid. He's a goof ball. A nut, a bozo. I half way expect at some point he may be a son-in-law, though I have no idea which of my daughter's would marry their brother because that is what he amounts to. He's always been around. He's been Erich's best friend since we moved up here 13 years ago. He walked into Marvin Elementary school and met Matt and Denver. Matt has stuck around forever. And Matt asked me for prayer.. whoa.. who.. me?!?!?! prayer.. why??? Why me?? But no, me. Okay.. So I asked him if he was right with the Lord, he had to go. That scares me. So I'm praying and praying and praying. And I'll not cease. I'm finally growing into a woman of prayer. Scary. Scary.
Like I said. Treatment was Monday. It bit.. badly, still biting .. badly. Yesterday the headache was so bad I couldn't leave my room. Today my arm is super swollen.. my head hurts, but not horribly bad.. hydrocodone bad, but not horribly, horribly. Can't think really good at all, can't deal with loud noises. Praying this upping the treatment is worth it. Cause if it isn't I don't know what's going to happen.. As I'm listening to a song saying "My Help Come From the Lord" Amen and Amen.
So with that, I'll close for a bit, I may be back later tonight.. who knows :) I'll try not to fall asleep on my blog again, bad form I know LOL
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